8.2.20. Inhale Clarity, Exhale Doubt...

Date: Sunday, August 2nd, 2020 10:00am

Current affairs:

Birthday is tomorrow (August 3rd) & Currently, Hurricane Isaias is about 120 miles east of my location

Moon: FULL MOON in Capricorn

My daily astronomy advice: ”Your unhealthy patterns have roots in your family home”...this could not be more spot on....”Power in thinking & creativity; Pressure in routine & spirituality; Trouble with social life, sex & love, & self”....all pretty accurate on how I am feeling today.

”Your main challenge right now is to manage the tension in your body. Knowing what you truly want takes practice.”

I have been going through SO many changes the last two years and even MORE uncertainty and life-impacting decisions about my life and this journey since Covid hit and I feel like I need to stop and analyze more often in order to help me find some clarity. I have been meditating for clarity. It just seems like so much is happening and I am not giving myself time to process, so this will just be a place for my thoughts.

I feel like losing my bartending job was a sign that I really needed to go for yoga and pursue it with passion and when COVID hit and I was locked in, that’s really what I did and I decided to make the investment of doing a 200 hr YTT and a 300 hr YTT at the same time which has been difficult but I am almost finished with my 200 hour and all I have left are my sequences which I have been procrastinating. I don’t know if its because I expect so much of myself as a teacher and want people to get out of yoga what I do, or if I am just overloaded by all the information, or if I am being tested by my past and my feelings of insecurity or doubt. But today I am going to try to finish a couple. I also just finished 1 out of 3 modules for the 300 hour.

It’s so hard though because as much as I want to emerge myself and become the best yoga teacher and knowledgeable, I am also running out of money and starting to feel the stress of having to get another job I may not enjoy just to pay my bills. I also feel a little hurt inside. We lost my grandpa Gene right when this started and luckily I did get to go see him before he passed but I could not hug him and tell him I love him and we have not gotten together as a family to celebrate his life. My grandma Dee is my rock. I turn to her for guidance. She is my guru and she went through chemo and got through but I know she is struggling with residual effects and I want to just hug her and be there but we cannot touch or hug, this makes me so upset and frustrated. The stress has built up the past couple weeks and I have developed something called Aquagenic urticaria which basically means my brain is telling my skin it is allergic to water or sweat. It has been extremely bad the past 2 weeks. I have barely been able to practice yoga (and definitely not outside where I prefer) since the sweat bothers my skin, I have to take cold showers no longer than 5 minutes, and constantly take allergy pills which make me tired and unproductive. Anyways, I was put on a 5 day steroid by my doctor which seems to be helping. They do not know what causes this skin allergy. I’ve had it off and on for probable 14 years but it seems to only flair up when I am stressed or going through something in my life.

I know I will find the clarity to find my purpose and I know I can do whatever must be done to get through these uncertain times. Being able to do it sober gives me even more pride and sense of purpose to help others like me.

The Yoga Pradipika says there are qualities to persevere in the pursuit of yoga and enlightenment: enthusiasm, perseverance, unshakeable faith, courage, and avoidance of the things which bring you back to a helpless state, discrimination of that which hinders in my pursuits and I believe I have these qualities and I will find success.

Since it is a full moon, I wanted to express the internal within me so that I may use it to find clarity and expel all of my doubts.

asato mā sadgamaya

tamasomā jyotir gamaya

mrityormāamritam gamaya

Oṁ śhānti śhānti śhāntiḥ

From falsehood lead me to truth

From darkness lead me to the light

From death lead me to immortality.

Om, peace peace peace.

-Shanti Mantra (Brihadaranyaka Upanishads 1.3.28)